just shut up already

I'm a gossip. There. I said it. And it's probably the worst thing about myself, and the first thing I would change if I could. It's hard, because I don't consider myself a gossip. Gossips are mean-spirited people in my mind, and I don't consider myself at all mean-spirited. Also, gossips have a tendency to spread false information. You will rarely hear me say "I hear so-and-so did this". I speak first hand. Which is probably worse. When I gossip, I am rarely judging. I mean, I do judge sometimes, but not usually. Most of the time I am analyzing that person's choices and actions. Out loud. With others. Which I know is not right. I should mind my own business and keep my mouth shut.

Recently a friend of mine ended up in a c.r.a.z.y situation. Bad choices were made which were met with some crazy-ass consequences. The situation was just too damn insane NOT to share with others. And I shared it with everyone I knew. Because I just couldn't NOT share. Since the story was crazy, it was also funny. And I like funny. The cruel part is that it isn't funny to my friend. It's been disturbing, life changing and traumatic. And now I feel the people I told will judge my friend based on my big mouth. Which wouldn't be right because this person isn't the sum of these particular crazy actions. They are much better, kinder and smarter than I made them out to be in this crazy-ass story which I used as coffee-talk entertainment. And that's the problem with gossip. While it serves to entertain others, it can truly hurt people.

I've discussed this before. My inability to keep my mouth shut. It's not just with others, I'm the same way with my own life. I have no secrets. There is no part of my life that others don't know about. This is a double-edged sword, of course. On the one hand it keeps me out of trouble. On the other, there are some things others just shouldn't know. There are certain parts of yourself that I suppose should remain private, I just don't know what that would be (obviously). Not too long ago I was tempted to cheat on Chris. For no other reason than I wanted to create a second life for myself. Not because I was at all unhappy (seriously honey!), but because I wanted to actually try to do something and keep it completely to myself. And because I never do things halfway, I wanted to go to the extreme. And then I realized, there's no way I could keep my mouth shut about it. I'd come home and immediately tell him (and everyone else) all about it. And not only would I prove that I can't keep a damn secret, but I'd destroy my family in the process.

I guess I'm just saying that there is some good to come from my big mouth. It isn't all negative. And, I should reiterate what I said the last time I wrote on this subject: I can keep quiet if specifically asked to do so. Seriously, I can. But it has to be requested of me. And then what happens is I later block it out of my mind. If the subject comes up, I remember that I was specifically asked to say nothing, and so I say nothing. Which I often wonder if that's a giveaway with others, because I have absolutely nothing to say on the matter. Which must seem suspicious seeing as I always have something to say. Bringing us full circle to the problem in the beginning...