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Instead, I need to vent.
I hate Baytown. I hate every single fucking thing about this god-awful place in America. I hate the environment (refineries, smokestacks and pollution galore), I hate the music they listen to (Nickelback and Guns 'N Roses on constant repeat at the swimming pool), I hate the people who live here (Neiman shopping bleach blond chicks with their blond-tipped buff boyfriends littering the pool with their beer cans and cigarette butts) and I hate the mentality (every small thing said creates a testosterone-driven fight). I hate that this place makes me hate.
It's been no better behind closed doors. It's an exact replica of what it was like when I lived here. A passive-aggressive, bullying boyfriend. A mom who makes excuses. And children who are beat down by the pattern. I did well the first few days. I remained quiet, reminding myself that this wasn't my life or my problems. I called Chris and my friends for support who walked me through what I should or shouldn't be saying. But too much time spent in Baytown reverts me back to the Baytownian I once was. And last night I reverted hardcore. I begged, I pleaded, I screamed, I cried. I lost.
I believe I've said it before but it bears repeating again. I know what it feels like to be the offspring of an addict. Addiction to dysfunction is just as real as an addiction to drugs or alcohol. Except there isn't a 12-step available. The manipulation, the excuses, the highs and the lows. The feeling that maybe this time will be different so you allow yourself to get caught in the loop again. And be disappointed again. It's painful. It's even more painful not to repeat the process in your own life because it takes so much work. And the resentment. Tons and tons of it on all sides.
My mother looked me square in the eye last night and said "I'm sorry I don't have things figured out like you do. I'm sorry my life isn't perfect like yours. I can't wait to see how well Izzy has adjusted to her oh-so-perfect life in 15 years. How nice it must be to be you with all the answers." Ouch. Again with me and my perfect life. Again with the guilt over my "high standards". Again with the disdain over my inability to tolerate anger and dysfunction. Again and again and again.
Our parent's generation was coined the "Me Generation". How right that description was.
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wow. I am in shock over your mother's words. If it's any consolation, you've captured the poignant frustration of the things you can't change and the battles you can't win. I would say I hope it gets better, but...
ReplyDeleteI'll say I hope you come home with less guilt, not more.
Keep writing.
We are airing some of the same demons tonight. Thank you for that.
ReplyDelete"I hate that it makes me hate" ~ of all the words in here those are the ones that took my breath. It feels like those are the last straw, frustrated beyond belief, I don't feel like I can win words. (I've felt and said them before myself) As if it isn't bad enough that you already feel guilt and unhappiness over the situations at hand, you feel more guilt because of how you feel about those situations. It is a vicious circle. I'm sorry you're caught in it. (you will be out soon... the Baytown tunnel is only so long)
ReplyDeleteAs for the other... coming from a family of addiction, I can tell you this much... The "I'm sorry I'm not..." conversation is a common one. It is meant to cause guilt. It is meant to cause doubt. It is less likely someone filled with doubt and guilt is going to call you out and make you deal with your issues. Don't let those words make you question the things about your life you know to be good. Question the things you feel need questioning; not the things someone else makes you question because it deflects attention away from them. It is no different from the "I dont' know" answer. "I don't know" = "I don't want to deal with or think about it".
I don't have much to add because these ladies have pretty much said it all. Only this - don't feel guilty because you haven't done anything wrong. Your heart's in the right place, your family might just be too selfish to see it.
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