30DoW - Oh, I seize it alright...

This is a topic I can actually muster up the energy to write on…

My personal philosophy is clichéd and simple.  “Your life is what you make it.”  All of us have heard that line millions of times and no doubt we all think we believe it to be true.  But from where I’m standing, very few people actually know it to be true enough to practice it in every choice they make.

To be more detailed, I am not a victim.  No way, no how.  You will not ever hear me playing a victim.  Even when my car has broken down for the umpteenth time, I realize that it’s because I made a choice to have dinner or shop as opposed to putting it into my lame ass vehicle.  Or because I partied my ass off in my 20’s and my credit had to pay the price for 7 years, resulting in a crappy car.  Or because Chris and I chose life over money.  Regardless, my car broke down again because of bad choices I’ve made in the past.  I’m that way with every bad thing that has happened since we moved to Austin (which is when this philosophy went into full effect).

In relation to that, bad things have happened due to no bad choices on my part.  That’s life.  It can be a bitch sometimes.  But you will never hear me whine about it.  I’m too busy planning my next course of action.  I’m a doer and a thinker.  Not a moaner and groaner.  When I finally run out of actions to take with said situation, then I simply let it go (or try like hell while lying in bed thinking up new solutions).  When a solution finally presents itself, you better believe that I am hustling to make a change.  If there is no solution to be found, then eventually I will let go.  Turning my back on the situation all together.

It’s because of this philosophy that I live such a "charmed life".  You will never find me sitting in shit bitching about how it smells.  Which brings me to my favorite quote:  “You would rather live in shit than let the world see you work a shovel.”   My ass knows how to work a shovel.  In many ways I’ve worked a shovel my whole life (as I’m sure many other successful people would agree.)  I grew up witnessing some serious dysfunction.  Divorce, mental and physical abuse, some crazy ideas (my uncle slays dragons in his spare time).  And that dysfunction bled over into my own life and choices.  I was married and divorced by the age of 23.  I’m a recovering slut, pill head, pothead and quasi-alcoholic.  But one day I had a true-blue epiphany.  It was the day after I'd had an abortion, which literally killed my soul.  My soul had been dying a slow death to begin with.  But that event did it in.  I was tired.  I was hollow.  I felt worthless, guilty, crazy, sad and suicidal.  I was pathetic.  And on that night, with a bottle of pills in my hand, I fell to my knees and prayed.

Now keep reading my non-believing friends.  This story has nothing to do with God.  Instead, this story has everything to do with Scarlett O’ Hara.  In that moment when I was on my knees and praying, it came to me.  This is my life.  I can be whoever I want to be.  I can turn it all around.  I can redefine it.  I. Can. Change.  As God is my witness, I will never be dysfunctional again!!!

And from that point forward, I began to change.  It took time.  A lot of time in fact.  I was still psycho-crazy for a few years after that.  But the more I was able to change myself, the stronger I felt about defining my future.  The more confident I became, the more I got what I wanted.  I’ve never wanted much really.  In fact I probably set my goals too low a long time ago (something I’m working on now, in fact.)  But mostly, I wanted a healthy relationship and a happy family.  Something I NEVER witnessed growing up.  I could have sat around waiting for it to happen, waiting for someone to treat me right, waiting for someone to want the things I wanted.  But fuck that.  Screw waiting for the good to come to me.  Instead I went out looking.  And when I found a reasonable candidate (that would be Chris), I communicated my ass off.  I still do in fact.  And I’ve realized that in order to get what I want, I must give in return.  But I’m a Libra, so that only comes natural. 

I’ve set clear guidelines for what I want and what I’m willing to give.  I’m that way in all of my relationships, in fact.  It’s been said that I’m not an easy friend/wife/family member to have.  That’s most probably true.  But I don’t want people in my life who want easy.  I want people in my life who want honesty, communication, insight and clarity.  I want people in my life who are doers, changers and fighters.

This philosophy is not a popular one.  I guess people think it’s selfish, arrogant or pushy.  But those are the same people who resent the mostly happy, functional life I lead.  Don’t get me wrong.  My life is far from perfect.  I’m broke most of the time, my car is still a piece of crap and I come from one crazy-ass family.  I often say too much, offend the ones I love and check out at regular intervals.  But those are all a result of conscience choices that I have made.  I own it.  And if someone doesn’t like it, they should move on.  I know that’s what I would do.

:::censored:::

I have recently started a bad habit of writing blogs and deleting them.  I'm not sure if I like my newly imposed self-censorship or not.  Perhaps it's a sign of all around self-censorship, for which I would be much grateful (as would many others, no doubt).  

Oh well.  As long as I'm on the right side, I guess it's worth it.

martini's and self-discovery

Last night I got gloriously drunk on apple martini's.  Several times I remember thinking "why don't I get drunk more often?"  Until towards the end of the night when I was lying my head down in the bathroom sink trying to "get myself together".  Even still, it was quite enjoyable.  Until this morning when I was awoken by my beautiful daughter yelling "WAKE UP MOMMY, WAKE UP!"  Luckily, I have a fantastic husband that took morning duty all weekend and I was able to sleep until 11am.  The smell of pancakes and bacon rose me out of bed, which is when I realized why I don't get drunk "more often".  Hangovers suck.  The hangover headache and lethargy I can completely do without.  Granted, a martini hangover doesn't suck as much as a red wine hangover, but regardless, all hangovers suck.  I understand how people become alcoholics.  They need to drink just to get through the hangover.  Ugh...

Once I was finally up and around, I talked to my cousin-who-is-like-a-sister, Chelsea.  The conversation quickly turned into a psychotherapy session and at one point I suggested that she needed to do some serious soul-searching.  "Is there a book on that?" she asked.  I laughed, thinking that surely there was, but it defeated the point of "self" "searching".  But then I realized she had a point.  If you are starting at square one, which at 21 you most definitely are, how do you even know what to ask yourself?  So I told her I'd do some research and get back to her.  And because I am an internet research queen, I found exactly what I was looking for:

Self Discovery Questions

As I was arrogantly reading over the questions (thinking I had all the answers, of course), I realized I am probably due for some self discovery.  I haven't done any true soul searching in about 10 years, and seeing as how we change and constantly evolve (or we should anyway), I'm thinking it's time I sit and answer some of these questions myself.  And me being who I am (a girl who lacks the ability to keep anything private), I'm going to use my blog for that purpose.  I'm going to bare my soul for all the internet world to see.  Granted, I will still be posting about the hilarious goings-on of Casa de Dawson, but in addition I'm going to try some self-imposed psychotherapy as well.  This should be fun...