just shut up already

I'm a gossip. There. I said it. And it's probably the worst thing about myself, and the first thing I would change if I could. It's hard, because I don't consider myself a gossip. Gossips are mean-spirited people in my mind, and I don't consider myself at all mean-spirited. Also, gossips have a tendency to spread false information. You will rarely hear me say "I hear so-and-so did this". I speak first hand. Which is probably worse. When I gossip, I am rarely judging. I mean, I do judge sometimes, but not usually. Most of the time I am analyzing that person's choices and actions. Out loud. With others. Which I know is not right. I should mind my own business and keep my mouth shut.

Recently a friend of mine ended up in a c.r.a.z.y situation. Bad choices were made which were met with some crazy-ass consequences. The situation was just too damn insane NOT to share with others. And I shared it with everyone I knew. Because I just couldn't NOT share. Since the story was crazy, it was also funny. And I like funny. The cruel part is that it isn't funny to my friend. It's been disturbing, life changing and traumatic. And now I feel the people I told will judge my friend based on my big mouth. Which wouldn't be right because this person isn't the sum of these particular crazy actions. They are much better, kinder and smarter than I made them out to be in this crazy-ass story which I used as coffee-talk entertainment. And that's the problem with gossip. While it serves to entertain others, it can truly hurt people.

I've discussed this before. My inability to keep my mouth shut. It's not just with others, I'm the same way with my own life. I have no secrets. There is no part of my life that others don't know about. This is a double-edged sword, of course. On the one hand it keeps me out of trouble. On the other, there are some things others just shouldn't know. There are certain parts of yourself that I suppose should remain private, I just don't know what that would be (obviously). Not too long ago I was tempted to cheat on Chris. For no other reason than I wanted to create a second life for myself. Not because I was at all unhappy (seriously honey!), but because I wanted to actually try to do something and keep it completely to myself. And because I never do things halfway, I wanted to go to the extreme. And then I realized, there's no way I could keep my mouth shut about it. I'd come home and immediately tell him (and everyone else) all about it. And not only would I prove that I can't keep a damn secret, but I'd destroy my family in the process.

I guess I'm just saying that there is some good to come from my big mouth. It isn't all negative. And, I should reiterate what I said the last time I wrote on this subject: I can keep quiet if specifically asked to do so. Seriously, I can. But it has to be requested of me. And then what happens is I later block it out of my mind. If the subject comes up, I remember that I was specifically asked to say nothing, and so I say nothing. Which I often wonder if that's a giveaway with others, because I have absolutely nothing to say on the matter. Which must seem suspicious seeing as I always have something to say. Bringing us full circle to the problem in the beginning...

oh. my. god.

It was bound to happen. In fact, I'm surprised it didn't happen sooner...

I was cleaning out Izzy's closet. It's by far the most organized closet in this household, but there were a couple of diaper bags I needed to go through. I thought I'd gone through them all, but then I saw a large black one on the top shelf of her closet. I pulled it down, opened it up, stuck my hand in...

And that's when the largest cockroach I've ever seen in my entire life crawled up my arm and into my hair. I screamed, jumped around in circles, shaking my head like a crazy lady and the cockroach was nowhere to be found. Sometime in the midst of this craziness (no doubt I looked like I was possessed while doing a crazy voodoo dance), I started stripping off my clothes, absolutely sure that... thing ... was crawling around inside my clothes. It was at this time that Izzy came running back to her room (because all of this happened in a matter of seconds) asking "what's wrong Mama, what's wrong?" Half naked, I picked her up and ran out of her room, slamming the door behind us. I grabbed two towels and shoved them in the cracks of the door, hoping to trap that evil thing inside her room. Izzy kept repeating "it's okay Mama, it's okayyyy," while I continued to shake my hair and freak out some more. In fact, I'm still shaking...

When Chris gets home from his interview, it's my plan to lock him in Izzy's room until he finds that thing. I won't be able to sleep knowing it's in the house. Because to my crazy way of thinking, it's plotting to crawl in my ear while I sleep. And there isn't enough Xanax in the world to shake that fear.

Speaking long term, I should definitely work to address this fear. Erin was recently telling me about a friend of hers that went through cockroach therapy, and she is apparently healed now. Since I have no plans on leaving Central Texas, this is going to be a way of life. And I can't keep getting naked and freaking out everytime a roach crosses my path. It goes against my strong-woman nature. And really, Izzy shouldn't have to witness such things. Because right now, as I type this out, she is running around, shaking her head and yelling "Get away from that thing! Get away!" and laughing. And I'm just not okay with that.